As an only child, who has looked with envy at larger families, as long as it is a well adjusted large family. Everyone has a built in social network, it’s easier to find work, to find spouses, to find free furniture, to find a safe place to crash if life takes a downturn. It’s easier to find roommates. And a number of young professionals I know from larger families have bought starter houses with siblings. There are always people to help move.
A lot of people I know from large families, think that having more money would have made their childhood better, but they are usually totally oblivious to all the social capital they have, that I see as an only child.
I really appreciate this perspective! Yes, the well-adjusted piece is so important... but when it works, even with some really imperfect, but goodwilled parents, the result is very cool: a built in social network. Someone will know someone who... (fill in the blank). Especially if the siblings tend to stay in the same geographical location.
My husband is an only child (planned that way) with two full-time working parents.... and yes we have received monetary gifts that have truly been helpful because of all their increased financial reserves.
But MAN does it suck to not have any cousins for our kids, or siblings for him to be friends, or to bounce ideas off of/do life with/support each other, especially as parents age.
On this end of adulthood, is extremely lonely and weighty in the familial-social-capital regard. I think parents lose a lot with short-term thinking in regards to family formation. These things effect decades into the future, not just the brief years of intense parenting.
I am an only child, too! I have five children. The oldest three all attend the same college and two of them plan to live together in the next school year.
We're at three. I wanted at least five, and am gobsmacked that we have the relatively small number of kids we do at this stage (ten years of marriage...I'm one of nine, my mom had five or six by this point!).
Life never seems to throw what you'd actually expect at you. Go figure.
I'm one of three, who grew up Protestant (non-denom), with absolutely no idea that there were people who didn't contracept 😅. So when I opted into this whole "Catholic" thing, I still thought I could have control (probably *by* following the rules, tbh), to make sure I got what I wanted, whether that was another baby or more time between babies...
I think that's still the craziest thing about it, there is so much we do not get to choose. Still trying to wrap my head around the whole "Thy will be done" thing. So much happens that we never would have expected or chosen and we just have to keep looking at God, accepting what he's given us.
20-year old me would have hated that whole idea lol .
Hmm. I'm a girl, eldest of 5. We were homeschooled K-12 among other families where 6-8 kids was common, mostly evangelical. I grew up in churches and homeschool conventions.
The main issue with large families is treating the eldest daughter like a mini-mother. Parentification. My mom didn't do this to me. In contrast, I knew several families who just stopped educating their eldest in high school so she could do bulk cooking for the family, do lessons with her siblings, etc. All of these girls are now child free adults. I mean child free- they don't just not have kids, they are exceptionally loud and vocal about it. You see the same thing in children of 1st-gen large families. They grow into adults who are openly hostile to family formation.
The problem seems to arise when the logic of the modern post-industrial nuclear family is preserved with a large family... and none of the other household characteristics that would have made the large family feasible. Dad should be running a family business and apprenticing his sons. Young girls from the neighborhood, grandma, unmarried aunts should be on hand. Large families work beautifully in these situations.
Thank you so much for this response. This is something I've thought about and asked the older mothers in my community about -- how do you ease the burden on that oldest daughter? Parentification -- in whatever community and family it happens in -- is unjust and tragic.
So the setting here is a bit different. I'm part of a large, suburban, Catholic community (maybe 10-15 large churches that overlap a lot in activities and social circles). It is by no means perfect, it is very human, and there's still a lot to work through. But I've seen oldest daughters of big families (we're talking 8-10 kids) go on to start their own families, joyfully and with a lot of grace and humor, and others who are younger remain open and hopeful about the possibility.
Here's my impression (and tangential, anecdotal synthesizing 🙃) of what several of their mothers have told me and what I've seen them do: they delegate chores to the youngest child that could do it, not just to the oldest girl. They ask several different kids to watch/ distract the baby, but there's a concrete "stop" time and it's only for a short time. They lean on their community--other adult women, that is--for emotional support and support in times of transition (moving, having a new baby, having cancer [that did happen in one of these cases I'm thinking about!] etc.). They were not afraid of their community seeing them "as they were." They sourced help from outside their nuclear family.
When these oldest daughters were in their later teens, they were very involved in activities outside of their houses. These girls were playing sports, they had part-time jobs, they were going to youth group and on dates and to the mall and to the movies. The ones who were homeschooled were involved in a lot of social and extracurricular activities, too. They were out and about, but still helping out at home. This seemed to be a good balance. Their mothers were not disdainful (which is to say, fearful) of the world outside of their church community.
Piggybacking on the last part of your comment about post-industrial nuclear family life (which is basically built for two kid families), what I'm wondering is if parentification (particularly in the case of that oldest daughter) has more to do with the way that a mother interacts with her community than the actual concrete number of children she has.
Thank you again for reading the post and bringing up this important aspect of big-family life, I really appreciate it!
I have four sons and then one daughter. Although my older sons supervised at home when I went out, I tried my best to not have them change diapers and do all the baby care stuff. I didn’t want them to feel resentful about having so many siblings.
This is really interesting. My mom was the oldest girl of 14 and my dad the oldest boy of 11. (Both number 2 in birth order). They had three kids but my mom had three C-sections and it was the late 80s/early 90s so she didn’t really think she could have more. It was my maternal grandmothers younger daughters that chose not to have kids. None of the older ones. I do think parentification had something to do with girl number 9 (and her husband) as to why they never had kids. My grandparents would leave her with the younger kids quite often. I personally struggle with how old my husband and I will be if we keep having kids. We currently are expecting number 3 and we are 32/38. But we met late and I had infertility.
Interesting. My dad is also one of 11 (the 2nd, also) and he and his siblings in the first 5 kids of the family (minus one who never married, and one who was almost certainly had a personality disorder of some kind), they also were the ones to have more than 2 kids (5, 4, 4). It was the younger set of kids who either never married or only had 2 kids.
That’s basically what happened on my mom’s side. My dad’s side, most everyone had kids and the baby had 6! But my paternal grandparent were much more kid friendly in their parenting. My maternal grandparents attended catholic boarding school as youth and brought much of their discipline strategies into the home. There was less, well kids make a mess and kids can be crazy and more listen and obey, silence at meals, etc. My paternal grandmother was also one of the youngest of 11 and lived with her during high school sister and brother in law who had already started a family, so she got to experience someone other than her older mother parent as well.
That is fascinating about the younger children. I've also heard (anecdotally) women in "normal sized" families talking about having raised younger siblings and wanting to delay starting their own families (if at all) because of that.
Ok, that marriage book though! Yeesh! Sometimes I wonder where the “i” word messaging comes from, and then you run across stuff like that, which is basically telling you it’s not possible to adequately parent a large family. I think that’s the thing I appreciated most about Hannah’s Chikdren — the honesty about the fact that a large family comes with a cost, but also the potential for enduring value. I also really appreciated the points made about how the nature of a family really does shift to sort of its own organism after a certain point. And yes, you lose some of the individual parental attention, but sometimes I’m not convinced that’s a bad thing. I don’t know. It is really overwhelming to keep track of needs, and yet there are families that have done it well…
Congratulations, can’t wait for this little girl! In the muddling with you.
It was weird when I first read it, and it is stillllll weeeeird... the "too many kids" often comes in this totally offhand way in those kinds of resources--this "no sensible person would..." assumption. Which is honestly pretty hilarious because families have been around for a long time, and many of them were *quite* big... and a lot less worried about individual attention per child (and more worried about survival... anyway).
"Organism" is a great word to use to describe a family. Six kids is NOT equal to the work of having three kids doubled.... there was a really good Hannah's Children bit about that: "You're already doing all of the things you would be doing!" but I think that's hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it.
Ok, was about to comment about that book too LOL. We tried to read it together, and were just like, what?! How can *real people* in *real life* talk or act in this weird, scripted way? Not to mention my rage (that made my husband laugh so hard) that every single "story" the authors told of their test couples ended with a loving near-perfect resolution. Hahaha! I just could not buy it.
We made the horrible mistake of reading it *WITH SOME FAMILY MEMBERS* and the end result was all of us being like, "I really just don't want to resent my parents this much, can we try something different?"
I literally say ALL of the time that the seventh Hartley baby will be dedicated to Hannah's Children! We should make Catharine Pakaluk her godmother or something!
(this is still a very theoretical seventh Hartley child...Lord willing, one day!)
And I should add that we are even over here now and it is AWESOME! Big fan of the boys and the girls. We thought our sixth was a girl the whole pregnancy and when he was born I remember looking at him and saying (in a very happy voice, I promise), "That is not a girl!" It is so fun to have more babies!
We are so excited to meet her and see what she's like. I'm so grateful. I never would have known about how great this is... so I'm glad my life took the turns that it did!
Congrats Meredith, and I so relate to the “am I being irresponsible” weight—our third is due the week our first turns four, and this pregnancy has been hard on me physically and emotionally. Cue the constant worrying that I’m permanently scarring/damaging them. But all is gift, and they’re so excited for their baby sister 😍
I’m a new reader and I just wanted to stop and say how enjoyable this was to read. Also, congratulations of course!
I am two weeks postpartum after having my fourth and currently am reading (and similarly crying at) Catherine’s book. Even though I have not surpassed the magic number of 5 babies and am not sure if I will or not, I very much relate to her book and also to what you have written here.
Too tired to elaborate further but just wanted to share how much I enjoyed this!
Thank you so much, Emily! I've really enjoyed several of your essays (found the "Woopsie Baby" one at the right moment, so thanks for that!). Also, I very much admire your "reach" -- seems like you've got a bit of everybody in your audience, it's so encouraging to see a wide range of worldviews interested in your take on womanhood.
Hannah's Children was unbelievable, I really appreciated (in addition to everything else) her description of the use of qualitative research and her broadening the findings to women who don't have the specific number of kids--I guess she did have to "call it" and some point and choose a specific number, but the hope-filled perspective on family and children and legacy is something for everyone to learn from.
Your last point is so very true, it really is a mindset that is valuable for all families and also young people looking to start their families really! I also really appreciate the qualitative approach as well, it seems that form of research is much less common but it is so much more interesting and adds such a human element to what could be so dry and disconnected. Just overall a wonderful read!
Also thank you for the kind words! I’m glad that particular essay was relevant for you, I think it is a topic-like this one here is as well- a lot of us are considering and impacted by but which doesn’t get as much honest discussion. Looking forward to reading more of your work!
Congratulations on expecting baby #6! I'll be praying for you. We have 8 children, and I have zero regrets. Sounds like you have the support of your family. Ours has sometimes been lacking, and while that can be painful, we don't use the approval of our families as a litmus test when discerning whether to welcome a new life (oh what a mess that would be)!
Amen to that, re: the litmus test. My family has been wonderful and very supportive. I'm one of three. There is so much that is new to me in regard to what big family life is like, but no one has had my back more than my own Mom. She's amazing.
And thank you, so much, for the congratulations. We are very excited.
This was a comfort to read; we’ve already been met with negative comments from family and a few random strangers about our family size (just had #4 in April; who also was a girl to my 7 year old daughter’s utmost delight). Congratulations and prayers for you!!
Congratulations on the new little one!! Girls are wonderful. Boys are also wonderful, but there's something so special about the little girls 💖.
I'm so sorry you've fielded those kinds of negative comments in person. I think people sometimes just blurt out something, for the sake of saying something... and they have no idea how disheartening it is. Not to excuse it, at all... suffice to say, they actually don't know what they're talking about. I think that a lot of the beauty of having a lot of little kids is truly one of those hidden things. You have to experience it to know that it's more than just drowning in diapers, it's beholding some of the most precious scenes on earth... and congratulations again to the sweet sisters. What a gift.
(continued) There was also people worrying about overpopulation. China started limiting the number of children a family could have. It's not all about people not knowing what they're talking about, it's what they're learned through life experiences. Because of all this, I gave birth to 1 child and adopted and fostered 13 others.
No matter what someone's life experiences or research or exposure to generational fear (still a factor in my generation deciding to have kids) has taught them, I do think telling or even suggesting that a young mother that she has "too many kids" is insensitive. There are so many other things to say.
Coming from a blended family of 7 kids and loving the idea of a large family, there is also an historical reason people are against large families. During the Vietnam war period, many "boomers" we're paranoid of facing the end of civilization. It was hard to imagine bringing a child into this chaotic world.
Congratulations, Meredith!!!! What happy news and what a lovely, real, positive and hopeful take on "a responsible number of children," a topic currently taking up a lot of space in my own heart and mind. 💕
Thank you so much! I am so glad there was hope proffered in here, that really was the point. Prayers your way. So much about this whole topic that is *good,* basically nothing that is *easy.*
Congratulations!! Several of my pregnancies were deemed irresponsible by a few family members but each one was, of course, a perfect blessing. And still is! The gain of a PERSON simply can’t be quantified.
This is such a thoughtful and beautiful post! Congratulations from another mom of six children! I wholeheartedly agree with the trade offs you identified. Mine are now 18, 17, 15, 13, 10, and 10 and this is such a fun stage. Tiring some days, yes, but wonderful. Our oldest came home from college this year to surprise the twins on their 10th birthday and that was quite literally the happiest moment of my life. (I have a 30 second video posted on my FB page of it that brings me to tears every time). Totally worth all of the Chipotle I could have gotten instead. 😆
Thank you so much! How beautiful! A moment like that is worth all the Chipotle and so much more besides. That makes me tear up just thinking about it... we (my eight year old and I) were talking today about how old his little sister will be when he graduates high school. Those relationships with larger age gaps are so precious, and I'm grateful we get a few!
Congratulations! We're expecting baby no. 8 in July and our whole boy/girl pattern was thrown off. This little nugget was "supposed" to be a boy but our carnations would also be pink haha.
I have Hannah's Children on my audible but haven't had a chance to listen yet, soon I hope, but recently listened to Hard is not the Same Thing as Bad which made me laugh out loud and nod in affirmation from another mother with a lot of kiddos.
Sometimes my teenagers will complain that they don't get enough one-on-one time but it's usually when they just need a venting and ice cream session.
I can really relate to this sentiment. It's hard enough in the world to look crazy once you go over the acceptable number of kids, but I kept running into little comments, like the one you mentioned in How We Love, and similar ones from people on different online spaces, that parents having large families is just a net negative on all the other kids' (attention, love, physical needs, etc etc etc). Finding out in late Dec that I am expecting #7 brought some of those to the fore, but really fortuitously, someone lent me Hannah's Children. Reading it was completely the shot of confidence I needed at that point-- yes, there are tradeoffs, for both the parents and the other siblings, but the benefits are worth it! It was just like hearing, yes, it *is* possible to do this in a way that isn't going to leave all the other kids looking and feeling like ragged, neglected urchins. I grew up around a lot of large families (talking 8-12 kids), and while some certainly fell into the latter category, I knew just as many who *didn't*. (and by the way, once you have 2 or 3 kids ages 9 and over, your house will suddenly have the potential to be WAY cleaner! My 12, almost-11, and 9 year olds do quite a bit of cleaning spread out over the week, and they do a great job. Kids really are capable and gain a lot of confidence if the chores are within their ability range and not piled on too much. In some ways, the house is cleaner now than it was when everyone was 8 and under, though are more of us now.)
"ragged, neglected urchins" (lol my kids might remember themselves this way -- we leave the house with messy hair and shoes on the wrong feet regularly...) Reading Hannah's Children has helped me walk taller in the grocery store, seriously. And hearing these words of hope in regard to them becoming more capable of cleaning later on is a balm to my soul. Everybody is really little right now, but they are also developing so much independence, assertiveness, and "if I want it, I'll just do it myself"-ness -- the eight year old built his own (functional!) swing in the backyard a few days ago.
Thank you so much for reading and responding, it really means a lot to me. All the blessings to your gorgeous family, you are doing it, and you are doing great.
That's marvellous. Congratulations. I had 4 girls, the youngest is now expecting her 6th child also. The only son and male in our family is probably hoping for a brother! They're all gifts 🎁 ☺️
Such gifts indeed! What a wonderful image of a loving family -- I kind of like it when I see the "lopsided" families, there is something so special about it... like when a mom who has had five boys suddenly has a baby girl. It just makes for a great story!
As an only child, who has looked with envy at larger families, as long as it is a well adjusted large family. Everyone has a built in social network, it’s easier to find work, to find spouses, to find free furniture, to find a safe place to crash if life takes a downturn. It’s easier to find roommates. And a number of young professionals I know from larger families have bought starter houses with siblings. There are always people to help move.
A lot of people I know from large families, think that having more money would have made their childhood better, but they are usually totally oblivious to all the social capital they have, that I see as an only child.
I really appreciate this perspective! Yes, the well-adjusted piece is so important... but when it works, even with some really imperfect, but goodwilled parents, the result is very cool: a built in social network. Someone will know someone who... (fill in the blank). Especially if the siblings tend to stay in the same geographical location.
YES to this last part.
My husband is an only child (planned that way) with two full-time working parents.... and yes we have received monetary gifts that have truly been helpful because of all their increased financial reserves.
But MAN does it suck to not have any cousins for our kids, or siblings for him to be friends, or to bounce ideas off of/do life with/support each other, especially as parents age.
On this end of adulthood, is extremely lonely and weighty in the familial-social-capital regard. I think parents lose a lot with short-term thinking in regards to family formation. These things effect decades into the future, not just the brief years of intense parenting.
I wasn’t a planned only child it was medical, I’m sort of a miracle.
I think if God only gives you one child then God will work it out.
But I have had long conversations with friends on how they should definitely have more if they can. It’s super tough dealing with aging parents alone.
I am an only child, too! I have five children. The oldest three all attend the same college and two of them plan to live together in the next school year.
Congratulations!!
We're at three. I wanted at least five, and am gobsmacked that we have the relatively small number of kids we do at this stage (ten years of marriage...I'm one of nine, my mom had five or six by this point!).
Life never seems to throw what you'd actually expect at you. Go figure.
Thank you!!
I'm one of three, who grew up Protestant (non-denom), with absolutely no idea that there were people who didn't contracept 😅. So when I opted into this whole "Catholic" thing, I still thought I could have control (probably *by* following the rules, tbh), to make sure I got what I wanted, whether that was another baby or more time between babies...
I think that's still the craziest thing about it, there is so much we do not get to choose. Still trying to wrap my head around the whole "Thy will be done" thing. So much happens that we never would have expected or chosen and we just have to keep looking at God, accepting what he's given us.
20-year old me would have hated that whole idea lol .
Hmm. I'm a girl, eldest of 5. We were homeschooled K-12 among other families where 6-8 kids was common, mostly evangelical. I grew up in churches and homeschool conventions.
The main issue with large families is treating the eldest daughter like a mini-mother. Parentification. My mom didn't do this to me. In contrast, I knew several families who just stopped educating their eldest in high school so she could do bulk cooking for the family, do lessons with her siblings, etc. All of these girls are now child free adults. I mean child free- they don't just not have kids, they are exceptionally loud and vocal about it. You see the same thing in children of 1st-gen large families. They grow into adults who are openly hostile to family formation.
The problem seems to arise when the logic of the modern post-industrial nuclear family is preserved with a large family... and none of the other household characteristics that would have made the large family feasible. Dad should be running a family business and apprenticing his sons. Young girls from the neighborhood, grandma, unmarried aunts should be on hand. Large families work beautifully in these situations.
Thank you so much for this response. This is something I've thought about and asked the older mothers in my community about -- how do you ease the burden on that oldest daughter? Parentification -- in whatever community and family it happens in -- is unjust and tragic.
So the setting here is a bit different. I'm part of a large, suburban, Catholic community (maybe 10-15 large churches that overlap a lot in activities and social circles). It is by no means perfect, it is very human, and there's still a lot to work through. But I've seen oldest daughters of big families (we're talking 8-10 kids) go on to start their own families, joyfully and with a lot of grace and humor, and others who are younger remain open and hopeful about the possibility.
Here's my impression (and tangential, anecdotal synthesizing 🙃) of what several of their mothers have told me and what I've seen them do: they delegate chores to the youngest child that could do it, not just to the oldest girl. They ask several different kids to watch/ distract the baby, but there's a concrete "stop" time and it's only for a short time. They lean on their community--other adult women, that is--for emotional support and support in times of transition (moving, having a new baby, having cancer [that did happen in one of these cases I'm thinking about!] etc.). They were not afraid of their community seeing them "as they were." They sourced help from outside their nuclear family.
When these oldest daughters were in their later teens, they were very involved in activities outside of their houses. These girls were playing sports, they had part-time jobs, they were going to youth group and on dates and to the mall and to the movies. The ones who were homeschooled were involved in a lot of social and extracurricular activities, too. They were out and about, but still helping out at home. This seemed to be a good balance. Their mothers were not disdainful (which is to say, fearful) of the world outside of their church community.
Piggybacking on the last part of your comment about post-industrial nuclear family life (which is basically built for two kid families), what I'm wondering is if parentification (particularly in the case of that oldest daughter) has more to do with the way that a mother interacts with her community than the actual concrete number of children she has.
Thank you again for reading the post and bringing up this important aspect of big-family life, I really appreciate it!
I have four sons and then one daughter. Although my older sons supervised at home when I went out, I tried my best to not have them change diapers and do all the baby care stuff. I didn’t want them to feel resentful about having so many siblings.
This is really interesting. My mom was the oldest girl of 14 and my dad the oldest boy of 11. (Both number 2 in birth order). They had three kids but my mom had three C-sections and it was the late 80s/early 90s so she didn’t really think she could have more. It was my maternal grandmothers younger daughters that chose not to have kids. None of the older ones. I do think parentification had something to do with girl number 9 (and her husband) as to why they never had kids. My grandparents would leave her with the younger kids quite often. I personally struggle with how old my husband and I will be if we keep having kids. We currently are expecting number 3 and we are 32/38. But we met late and I had infertility.
Interesting. My dad is also one of 11 (the 2nd, also) and he and his siblings in the first 5 kids of the family (minus one who never married, and one who was almost certainly had a personality disorder of some kind), they also were the ones to have more than 2 kids (5, 4, 4). It was the younger set of kids who either never married or only had 2 kids.
That’s basically what happened on my mom’s side. My dad’s side, most everyone had kids and the baby had 6! But my paternal grandparent were much more kid friendly in their parenting. My maternal grandparents attended catholic boarding school as youth and brought much of their discipline strategies into the home. There was less, well kids make a mess and kids can be crazy and more listen and obey, silence at meals, etc. My paternal grandmother was also one of the youngest of 11 and lived with her during high school sister and brother in law who had already started a family, so she got to experience someone other than her older mother parent as well.
That is fascinating about the younger children. I've also heard (anecdotally) women in "normal sized" families talking about having raised younger siblings and wanting to delay starting their own families (if at all) because of that.
Congratulations on the new one! That's wonderful!
My mother had five of us, mostly in her thirties. She's always seemed ten years younger than her actual age.
Ok, that marriage book though! Yeesh! Sometimes I wonder where the “i” word messaging comes from, and then you run across stuff like that, which is basically telling you it’s not possible to adequately parent a large family. I think that’s the thing I appreciated most about Hannah’s Chikdren — the honesty about the fact that a large family comes with a cost, but also the potential for enduring value. I also really appreciated the points made about how the nature of a family really does shift to sort of its own organism after a certain point. And yes, you lose some of the individual parental attention, but sometimes I’m not convinced that’s a bad thing. I don’t know. It is really overwhelming to keep track of needs, and yet there are families that have done it well…
Congratulations, can’t wait for this little girl! In the muddling with you.
It was weird when I first read it, and it is stillllll weeeeird... the "too many kids" often comes in this totally offhand way in those kinds of resources--this "no sensible person would..." assumption. Which is honestly pretty hilarious because families have been around for a long time, and many of them were *quite* big... and a lot less worried about individual attention per child (and more worried about survival... anyway).
"Organism" is a great word to use to describe a family. Six kids is NOT equal to the work of having three kids doubled.... there was a really good Hannah's Children bit about that: "You're already doing all of the things you would be doing!" but I think that's hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it.
Thank you 💖💖
Ok, was about to comment about that book too LOL. We tried to read it together, and were just like, what?! How can *real people* in *real life* talk or act in this weird, scripted way? Not to mention my rage (that made my husband laugh so hard) that every single "story" the authors told of their test couples ended with a loving near-perfect resolution. Hahaha! I just could not buy it.
We made the horrible mistake of reading it *WITH SOME FAMILY MEMBERS* and the end result was all of us being like, "I really just don't want to resent my parents this much, can we try something different?"
I literally say ALL of the time that the seventh Hartley baby will be dedicated to Hannah's Children! We should make Catharine Pakaluk her godmother or something!
(this is still a very theoretical seventh Hartley child...Lord willing, one day!)
"Pakaluk" would be an interesting middle name choice hahahaha
LOL I'll run it by the husband!
And I should add that we are even over here now and it is AWESOME! Big fan of the boys and the girls. We thought our sixth was a girl the whole pregnancy and when he was born I remember looking at him and saying (in a very happy voice, I promise), "That is not a girl!" It is so fun to have more babies!
We are so excited to meet her and see what she's like. I'm so grateful. I never would have known about how great this is... so I'm glad my life took the turns that it did!
Amen! I think about this all of the time!
Congrats Meredith, and I so relate to the “am I being irresponsible” weight—our third is due the week our first turns four, and this pregnancy has been hard on me physically and emotionally. Cue the constant worrying that I’m permanently scarring/damaging them. But all is gift, and they’re so excited for their baby sister 😍
Sara, you are one girl away from Little Women. They won't be scarred, they're going to be LEGENDS.
*Not* attempting that would be more irresponsible, IMO. (🙃🙃🙃🙃)
I’m a new reader and I just wanted to stop and say how enjoyable this was to read. Also, congratulations of course!
I am two weeks postpartum after having my fourth and currently am reading (and similarly crying at) Catherine’s book. Even though I have not surpassed the magic number of 5 babies and am not sure if I will or not, I very much relate to her book and also to what you have written here.
Too tired to elaborate further but just wanted to share how much I enjoyed this!
Thank you so much, Emily! I've really enjoyed several of your essays (found the "Woopsie Baby" one at the right moment, so thanks for that!). Also, I very much admire your "reach" -- seems like you've got a bit of everybody in your audience, it's so encouraging to see a wide range of worldviews interested in your take on womanhood.
Hannah's Children was unbelievable, I really appreciated (in addition to everything else) her description of the use of qualitative research and her broadening the findings to women who don't have the specific number of kids--I guess she did have to "call it" and some point and choose a specific number, but the hope-filled perspective on family and children and legacy is something for everyone to learn from.
Your last point is so very true, it really is a mindset that is valuable for all families and also young people looking to start their families really! I also really appreciate the qualitative approach as well, it seems that form of research is much less common but it is so much more interesting and adds such a human element to what could be so dry and disconnected. Just overall a wonderful read!
Also thank you for the kind words! I’m glad that particular essay was relevant for you, I think it is a topic-like this one here is as well- a lot of us are considering and impacted by but which doesn’t get as much honest discussion. Looking forward to reading more of your work!
Thank you! I hope that your postpartum season is very beautiful, in all of the ways, with all of your children.
Thank you so much ♥️
Congratulations on expecting baby #6! I'll be praying for you. We have 8 children, and I have zero regrets. Sounds like you have the support of your family. Ours has sometimes been lacking, and while that can be painful, we don't use the approval of our families as a litmus test when discerning whether to welcome a new life (oh what a mess that would be)!
Amen to that, re: the litmus test. My family has been wonderful and very supportive. I'm one of three. There is so much that is new to me in regard to what big family life is like, but no one has had my back more than my own Mom. She's amazing.
And thank you, so much, for the congratulations. We are very excited.
This was a comfort to read; we’ve already been met with negative comments from family and a few random strangers about our family size (just had #4 in April; who also was a girl to my 7 year old daughter’s utmost delight). Congratulations and prayers for you!!
Congratulations on the new little one!! Girls are wonderful. Boys are also wonderful, but there's something so special about the little girls 💖.
I'm so sorry you've fielded those kinds of negative comments in person. I think people sometimes just blurt out something, for the sake of saying something... and they have no idea how disheartening it is. Not to excuse it, at all... suffice to say, they actually don't know what they're talking about. I think that a lot of the beauty of having a lot of little kids is truly one of those hidden things. You have to experience it to know that it's more than just drowning in diapers, it's beholding some of the most precious scenes on earth... and congratulations again to the sweet sisters. What a gift.
(continued) There was also people worrying about overpopulation. China started limiting the number of children a family could have. It's not all about people not knowing what they're talking about, it's what they're learned through life experiences. Because of all this, I gave birth to 1 child and adopted and fostered 13 others.
Thanks for sharing about your family!
No matter what someone's life experiences or research or exposure to generational fear (still a factor in my generation deciding to have kids) has taught them, I do think telling or even suggesting that a young mother that she has "too many kids" is insensitive. There are so many other things to say.
Yes, I agree. That is where we need to be forgiving, realizing that it is their issue, not ours.
You’re absolutely right, and this is a good reminder for me. Thank you.
Coming from a blended family of 7 kids and loving the idea of a large family, there is also an historical reason people are against large families. During the Vietnam war period, many "boomers" we're paranoid of facing the end of civilization. It was hard to imagine bringing a child into this chaotic world.
Congratulations, Meredith!!!! What happy news and what a lovely, real, positive and hopeful take on "a responsible number of children," a topic currently taking up a lot of space in my own heart and mind. 💕
Thank you so much! I am so glad there was hope proffered in here, that really was the point. Prayers your way. So much about this whole topic that is *good,* basically nothing that is *easy.*
Congratulations!! Several of my pregnancies were deemed irresponsible by a few family members but each one was, of course, a perfect blessing. And still is! The gain of a PERSON simply can’t be quantified.
This is such a thoughtful and beautiful post! Congratulations from another mom of six children! I wholeheartedly agree with the trade offs you identified. Mine are now 18, 17, 15, 13, 10, and 10 and this is such a fun stage. Tiring some days, yes, but wonderful. Our oldest came home from college this year to surprise the twins on their 10th birthday and that was quite literally the happiest moment of my life. (I have a 30 second video posted on my FB page of it that brings me to tears every time). Totally worth all of the Chipotle I could have gotten instead. 😆
Thank you so much! How beautiful! A moment like that is worth all the Chipotle and so much more besides. That makes me tear up just thinking about it... we (my eight year old and I) were talking today about how old his little sister will be when he graduates high school. Those relationships with larger age gaps are so precious, and I'm grateful we get a few!
Congratulations! We're expecting baby no. 8 in July and our whole boy/girl pattern was thrown off. This little nugget was "supposed" to be a boy but our carnations would also be pink haha.
I have Hannah's Children on my audible but haven't had a chance to listen yet, soon I hope, but recently listened to Hard is not the Same Thing as Bad which made me laugh out loud and nod in affirmation from another mother with a lot of kiddos.
Sometimes my teenagers will complain that they don't get enough one-on-one time but it's usually when they just need a venting and ice cream session.
Congrats! When I was pregnant with my fifth, my four sons were hoping for another boy but now they love their sister!
I can really relate to this sentiment. It's hard enough in the world to look crazy once you go over the acceptable number of kids, but I kept running into little comments, like the one you mentioned in How We Love, and similar ones from people on different online spaces, that parents having large families is just a net negative on all the other kids' (attention, love, physical needs, etc etc etc). Finding out in late Dec that I am expecting #7 brought some of those to the fore, but really fortuitously, someone lent me Hannah's Children. Reading it was completely the shot of confidence I needed at that point-- yes, there are tradeoffs, for both the parents and the other siblings, but the benefits are worth it! It was just like hearing, yes, it *is* possible to do this in a way that isn't going to leave all the other kids looking and feeling like ragged, neglected urchins. I grew up around a lot of large families (talking 8-12 kids), and while some certainly fell into the latter category, I knew just as many who *didn't*. (and by the way, once you have 2 or 3 kids ages 9 and over, your house will suddenly have the potential to be WAY cleaner! My 12, almost-11, and 9 year olds do quite a bit of cleaning spread out over the week, and they do a great job. Kids really are capable and gain a lot of confidence if the chores are within their ability range and not piled on too much. In some ways, the house is cleaner now than it was when everyone was 8 and under, though are more of us now.)
Congratulations on #7! That is so exciting!
"ragged, neglected urchins" (lol my kids might remember themselves this way -- we leave the house with messy hair and shoes on the wrong feet regularly...) Reading Hannah's Children has helped me walk taller in the grocery store, seriously. And hearing these words of hope in regard to them becoming more capable of cleaning later on is a balm to my soul. Everybody is really little right now, but they are also developing so much independence, assertiveness, and "if I want it, I'll just do it myself"-ness -- the eight year old built his own (functional!) swing in the backyard a few days ago.
Thank you so much for reading and responding, it really means a lot to me. All the blessings to your gorgeous family, you are doing it, and you are doing great.
That's marvellous. Congratulations. I had 4 girls, the youngest is now expecting her 6th child also. The only son and male in our family is probably hoping for a brother! They're all gifts 🎁 ☺️
Such gifts indeed! What a wonderful image of a loving family -- I kind of like it when I see the "lopsided" families, there is something so special about it... like when a mom who has had five boys suddenly has a baby girl. It just makes for a great story!