Well. This is the best thing you've written, and I really like your writing!
Louder for the people in the back! (Are those people me?)
The point you make, and which your co-conspirator I think was also making, is that there is no shortcut for discernment in the most important relationships of our life. Virtue, being the mean between vices is going to look very different depending on a person's specific context. While there are definitely some arrows that point in the direction of, "probably head this way" -- prayer and feeding the baby both definitely need to be involved in some capacity -- the particulars are a lot more like winding your way through the weeds and looking for solid footing.
I like your summary of the point here, especially the way you point to the desire for shortcuts and generalities. I love the idea of shortcuts and generalities, of a path toward holiness that is totally proven and doesn't have any steep drop offs that I don't know about in advance... but such a thing does not exist. Sigh. If only I could stop wanting it!
Yes! Yes! Yes! We are on the same wavelength. May I humbly suggest my book by Sophia Institute Press, "Baby and Beyond: Overcoming Those Post-Childbirth Woes." It was published a few years ago when I had an 8, 6, 4, and 2 year old. It is Catholic, it is combining physical, mental, and spiritual healing, and I tell you to throw all your parenting books away and stop trying to do it "right," because that is so paralyzing. I think I even write in there how I was feeling so guilty for not going to daily Mass with 4 kids under the age of 6 until I asked God if that was what He wanted for me. And he didn't want that. I had to stop performing, be in the midst of the struggle, and let him transform me from there.
Which leads me to the next book I'm deep into writing on prayer, and how its growing in a relationship with God, not performing all the right actions. So you are spot on!
Your book looks amazing, by the way. I appreciate the up front recognition that that first year (especially after that first baby) can be so hard!
I've felt similar guilt trips for not (insert religious activity here). It's hard to accept the limitations that having a bunch of little people can bring, but that's where allll the growth is.
This whole essay was just what I needed but I have to say, the quote from "Matthew the Poor" was a gut punch. 3 young kids and another coming in September and I've been feeling like a big failure, and dancing around the idea that maybe that's the point, somehow. This essay put words to that feeling.
Thank you. I started to read this thinking I might forward it to a friend who struggled with breastfeeding. But when you turned to our spiritual lives and advice, I found it so relevant to myself! Good thoughts and good writing.
This piece really took me back to the mommy wars. I am glad that my children are a bit older now. Looking back, my third and fourth children do not seem to be differently bonded to me than my first two, despite the fact that I needed a c-section for their delivery and I had to supplement my breast milk with formula. They…gasp…. used bottles. There were two of them, so I did the best I could. Which was so much because I wanted to be a good mom! When I exclusively breastfed number three and four it was fairly easy, like the books said. It also helped that my supply held up and that they weren’t tongue tied like their older siblings. You know what new moms don’t need? Guilt for keeping their children alive. It would be wonderful if we viewed it as “isn’t it wonderful that there are so many inventive ways to keep babies alive now?” Yes, it is.
On the spiritual front, it is very similar, even if you aren’t a convert. I often feel like I should be doing ALL the things ALL THE TIME. A friend wisely suggested that we could rotate the devotions.
I am deeply grateful that you say "took me back" because that means... it ENDS. I am so grateful for all of the ways to birth, nourish, and give adequate rest to babies (and I feel like we've used a mishmash for each kid). "inventive" I think can get drowned out, but I wish the discourse looked like that... and I love the idea of a devotion rotation.
This was needed on many levels. 1) Had a scrupulously spiral about looking to wean my 1 year old in the future, and the Popcak book was one of the things that came to mind in all that 😆 2) Have been having a very similar conversation with my spiritual direction and it’s still so hard not to equate activity with relationship
So glad it was helpful! Oh, my goodness, I know that anyone who writes about this kind of stuff is trying to be helpful, I really do believe that, but things like that can really get in my head and then I use them to kinda beat myself up later.
In the Meaghan O'Connell book, she talks about how activity "felt more dependable than love" -- and while there is so much love in nursing, it's not the sum total of everything. I hope that the weaning goes well.
Yes they are. And that’s exactly it; well-intentioned things can be weaponized by anxious brains unfortunately. Ohhh that’s a great line. And there is, but it’s so important to remember it is one factor among a greater mosaic.
"It was like if someone had asked me what my baby’s name was, and I told them whether or not I was breastfeeding."
Gosh that was great. This whole post was great. "Nursed or cursed" made me laugh. I was so swayed by rigid advice as a new mom. It's all new and disorienting. You want to feel confident in your parenting decisions. That you are doing it The Right Way. And then here are people who are very confident and 'holy' and seemingly unimpeachable in their reasoning.
I still look back at my choices and feel guilty that maybe this choice or that one caused issues we've experienced later on (which is an exercise in futility since there's no way to pinpoint that kind of thing anyway.) But I try to remember that holiness is not precluded by sleep-training or bottle-feeding or how on track you are on the developmentally or, later on, whether you participated in fancy extra-curriculars or you were homeschooled or your parents homesteaded etc. The point is heaven and children even in the most non-ideal circumstances, without the benefit of parents who read alllll the parenting books and calculated best practices, are still loved by God and have still become saints.
I've only started reading your writing recently, but it's always really fruitful for me. Thank you!
Well. This is the best thing you've written, and I really like your writing!
Louder for the people in the back! (Are those people me?)
The point you make, and which your co-conspirator I think was also making, is that there is no shortcut for discernment in the most important relationships of our life. Virtue, being the mean between vices is going to look very different depending on a person's specific context. While there are definitely some arrows that point in the direction of, "probably head this way" -- prayer and feeding the baby both definitely need to be involved in some capacity -- the particulars are a lot more like winding your way through the weeds and looking for solid footing.
Thank you! That means so much coming from you.
I like your summary of the point here, especially the way you point to the desire for shortcuts and generalities. I love the idea of shortcuts and generalities, of a path toward holiness that is totally proven and doesn't have any steep drop offs that I don't know about in advance... but such a thing does not exist. Sigh. If only I could stop wanting it!
Yes! Yes! Yes! We are on the same wavelength. May I humbly suggest my book by Sophia Institute Press, "Baby and Beyond: Overcoming Those Post-Childbirth Woes." It was published a few years ago when I had an 8, 6, 4, and 2 year old. It is Catholic, it is combining physical, mental, and spiritual healing, and I tell you to throw all your parenting books away and stop trying to do it "right," because that is so paralyzing. I think I even write in there how I was feeling so guilty for not going to daily Mass with 4 kids under the age of 6 until I asked God if that was what He wanted for me. And he didn't want that. I had to stop performing, be in the midst of the struggle, and let him transform me from there.
Which leads me to the next book I'm deep into writing on prayer, and how its growing in a relationship with God, not performing all the right actions. So you are spot on!
Your book looks amazing, by the way. I appreciate the up front recognition that that first year (especially after that first baby) can be so hard!
I've felt similar guilt trips for not (insert religious activity here). It's hard to accept the limitations that having a bunch of little people can bring, but that's where allll the growth is.
thank you for reading!
This whole essay was just what I needed but I have to say, the quote from "Matthew the Poor" was a gut punch. 3 young kids and another coming in September and I've been feeling like a big failure, and dancing around the idea that maybe that's the point, somehow. This essay put words to that feeling.
Interior Freedom is my very favorite gut punch! And thank you. I'm glad it was meaningful.
We're both due in September, by the way! I am feeling like a sloth and a failure, hahaha.
Thank you. I started to read this thinking I might forward it to a friend who struggled with breastfeeding. But when you turned to our spiritual lives and advice, I found it so relevant to myself! Good thoughts and good writing.
Thank you, Mavis! I'm so grateful that you found it helpful for you, too.
This piece really took me back to the mommy wars. I am glad that my children are a bit older now. Looking back, my third and fourth children do not seem to be differently bonded to me than my first two, despite the fact that I needed a c-section for their delivery and I had to supplement my breast milk with formula. They…gasp…. used bottles. There were two of them, so I did the best I could. Which was so much because I wanted to be a good mom! When I exclusively breastfed number three and four it was fairly easy, like the books said. It also helped that my supply held up and that they weren’t tongue tied like their older siblings. You know what new moms don’t need? Guilt for keeping their children alive. It would be wonderful if we viewed it as “isn’t it wonderful that there are so many inventive ways to keep babies alive now?” Yes, it is.
On the spiritual front, it is very similar, even if you aren’t a convert. I often feel like I should be doing ALL the things ALL THE TIME. A friend wisely suggested that we could rotate the devotions.
I am deeply grateful that you say "took me back" because that means... it ENDS. I am so grateful for all of the ways to birth, nourish, and give adequate rest to babies (and I feel like we've used a mishmash for each kid). "inventive" I think can get drowned out, but I wish the discourse looked like that... and I love the idea of a devotion rotation.
This was needed on many levels. 1) Had a scrupulously spiral about looking to wean my 1 year old in the future, and the Popcak book was one of the things that came to mind in all that 😆 2) Have been having a very similar conversation with my spiritual direction and it’s still so hard not to equate activity with relationship
So glad it was helpful! Oh, my goodness, I know that anyone who writes about this kind of stuff is trying to be helpful, I really do believe that, but things like that can really get in my head and then I use them to kinda beat myself up later.
In the Meaghan O'Connell book, she talks about how activity "felt more dependable than love" -- and while there is so much love in nursing, it's not the sum total of everything. I hope that the weaning goes well.
Yes they are. And that’s exactly it; well-intentioned things can be weaponized by anxious brains unfortunately. Ohhh that’s a great line. And there is, but it’s so important to remember it is one factor among a greater mosaic.
"weaponized by anxious brains" yup exactly!
"It was like if someone had asked me what my baby’s name was, and I told them whether or not I was breastfeeding."
Gosh that was great. This whole post was great. "Nursed or cursed" made me laugh. I was so swayed by rigid advice as a new mom. It's all new and disorienting. You want to feel confident in your parenting decisions. That you are doing it The Right Way. And then here are people who are very confident and 'holy' and seemingly unimpeachable in their reasoning.
I still look back at my choices and feel guilty that maybe this choice or that one caused issues we've experienced later on (which is an exercise in futility since there's no way to pinpoint that kind of thing anyway.) But I try to remember that holiness is not precluded by sleep-training or bottle-feeding or how on track you are on the developmentally or, later on, whether you participated in fancy extra-curriculars or you were homeschooled or your parents homesteaded etc. The point is heaven and children even in the most non-ideal circumstances, without the benefit of parents who read alllll the parenting books and calculated best practices, are still loved by God and have still become saints.
I've only started reading your writing recently, but it's always really fruitful for me. Thank you!