Lent and the "Bird Test"

Let’s start with some definitions you may or may not need.

Lent is the 6-week liturgical season of penance leading up to Easter, the greatest feast of the Christian calendar. In last week’s postscript poll, the divide between those of us who had a plan for Lenten sacrifices and those of us who hadn’t gotten there yet was ¼ and ¾, respectively (I’m with you, ¾ people!).

The “bird test” is… I’m just going to show you.

footage of a man, somewhere between the ages of 18 and 30, minding his own business.

A voice behind the camera (usually feminine) pipes up, “Babe. Babe, there’s this really cool blue bird outside!”

“Huh?” the man asks as he looks up from whatever he’s doing to look at what she’s pointing at, and says, “Where?”

“BABE,” she says.

“What? I don’t see a bird,” he replies, still trying to catch a glimpse of blue feathers.

“I knew you would do it!”

“What are you talking about—”he turns to her, starting to realize that this may or may not have been about a bird in the first place, a Schrodinger’s bird, both there and not there.

“BABE. You just passed the bird test. We’re going to be together… FOREVER.”

He stares into the camera but also somehow past it, resigned, relieved? Tis not for us to know.

Last year, a bunch of creators started “bird-testing” their partners and posting the footage of them either succeeding—that is, looking at the “bird” or failing/ not looking at the “bird.” The people who passed were declared to be in tune with their partners; the failures, just one step away from total relationship failure. If he loved you, he would have looked up.

“So, how are you REALLY?” source

These videos are unintentional parodies of a robust observation about relationships that John and Julie Gottman have been developing for longer than most of these creators have been alive. I was introduced to this idea by my brother-in-law ten years ago. Three of his younger siblings got married in a three-year span, and, being unmarried himself and also not an idiot, the closest thing he gave any of us to advice was bringing up the Gottman’s idea about bids for attention.

The Gottmans are world renowned therapists who strive to understand why some relationships last and others don’t. Tip of the iceberg here, but they found a “tell” in the happy, long-lasting relationships. Partners responded genuinely to one another’s “bids” for attention. “Bids” are naturally occurring cues that could be anything from, “Do you think these colors match?” to “I had the strangest dream last night” to a hand gesture waving to the partner to “come over here.”

We are all making bids all the time, whether or not we realize it. An example that’s been used to represent the idea of a “bid” is doubtless where the viral “bird-test” came from. A woman exclaims about the beauty of a bird outside, her husband responds to her “bid” by looking out the window and saying something about the bird, too. But… the bird thing only works if it’s something the bidder came up with on their own, and (perhaps most importantly) there was an ACTUAL BIRD. In the manufactured “bird test,” the actual bid in play is that the the “bird” watcher is holding up a phone and recording you. I don’t think it’s healthy, but it’s definitely a bid.

So, what do bids for attention have to do with Lent?

The Gottmans’ concept about bids gives me hope that there are actual, tangible things a person can do to improve a marriage. I can make bids, and I can recognize Jonny’s bids and respond to them. I can do more than want a better relationship.

The six-ish weeks that constitute Lent present all of us with opportunity to do some tangible things in pursuit of deeper intimacy with God. No, Lent is not all about “doing it right”—and if you are the type of person who might fall into the trap of thinking you’re not doing enough for Lent, I’d suggest you read this essay that

Emily Hess

wrote about Lent and scrupulosity. Lent is about recognizing that Christ has done for us what we never could have done for ourselves. But it’s also about growing in our relationship with Him. And one of the ways we can do that is to recognize His bids for our attention and boldly bid for His attention, too.

The Church has historically guided the faithful to focus on penitential practices during Lent, the big three being:

Prayer—Simple is best. Adding even one 5-minute practice of prayer into the day requires a lot of resilience, so, tread carefully, pilgrim.

Fasting—Again, simple is best. There’s enough to contend with by choosing one consumable thing like sugar (or alcohol or coffee [!!!]). You will find yourself staring at cupcakes and asking Jesus for help frequently (ask me how I know). Of course, fasts don’t have to involve something consumable.

Almsgiving—playing around with almsgiving that doesn’t involve money is an interesting exercise. For example—reading aloud (to your spouse, your kids, your grandma) is a gift of time and attention that is precious indeed.

I tried to make a Venn Diagram of which of these practices are my bids for God’s attention and which are His bids for mine, and, well, the result was, well…

God’s Bids for My Attention (left) and My Bids for His (right)

Prayer, fasting, and almsgiving, are all ways to bid for God’s attention. They are also all ways to be more attuned to His bids for ours—He calls us through our hunger, our spiritual desolations and consolations, and our general state of neediness. I kind of wanted to separate them out (i.e., fasting is a way to respond to God, prayer is a way to bid for His attention), but I just couldn’t get it to work. Everything just smooshed together into a circle. Your response to God and His response to you is this beautiful process of overlapping and reciprocating.

The idea I’m toying around with for Lent (and I can’t believe I’m telling anyone) is the “heroic minute”—that is, getting up when I wake up. Not pressing snooze and/or not waiting for the alarm to go off. Opening my eyes and getting out of bed, that minute, as an offering to God.

I’d love to hear how you are planning on listening to God and speaking to Him during this Lenten season (half-baked ideas welcome). ALSO – I would CHERISH anyone’s vegetarian meal ideas for Ash Wednesday and Lent Fridays (and so would Jonny). This has been hard for the last eight years of my life, so, please crowdsource in the comments/text messages/emails (Yes, Jamie, I am asking for a copy of the meal plan you showed me!).

On the Calendar: Ash Wednesday

🌿You are exactly where you are meant to be, and you are already doing more than you think. ✝️

🐂The Gospel for Sunday is Luke 6:39-45, in which blind people fall into pits, especially if they have logs in their eyes.

How can you say to your brother,
‘Brother, let me remove that splinter in your eye,’
when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye?
You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first;
then you will see clearly
to remove the splinter in your brother’s eye.

March 3 is the feast of St. Katharine Drexel, who is more important than the particular point of her heritage, but she was an American.

March 5 is Ash Wednesday which is, I was surprised to find out, not a Holy Day of Obligation but a good day to go to mass, anyway.

March 7 is the feast shared by Sts. Perpetua and Felicity, martyrs.

PLEASE respond with meal ideas, I would truly, truly appreciate it.

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+ Saint Sessions for YDisciple (co-written with Tanner Kalina)

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